Diocesan News

Clergy Appointments! (April Fools' Day)

LINCOLN (SNR) – Bishop James Conley announced some early appointments for priests of the Diocese of Lincoln today.

Father Nicholas Kipper, in addition to his duties at the Southern Nebraska Register, has been formally named coach of the Lincoln priests’ I-80 Collar Series softball team, and appointed to recruiting. He went to watch Tim Tebow in spring training appearances this week, but wasn’t convinced.

“We already have a left-handed pitcher,” Father Kipper explained.

A disappointed Tebow was reported to have replied, “I guess I could play for Omaha. Or maybe Grand Island could start a team.”

Father Robert Matya was notified that, in addition to his role as pastor of the St. Thomas Aquinas Newman Center, he is also responsible for the pastoral care of the College of Cardinals. A donation drive for his travel budget will be announced next week.

“I’m hoping a few FOCUS missionaries will help me start a Bible study at the College of Cardinals,” Father Matya said. “It’s a great campus.”

Southern Nebraska Register:

The assistant pastor of the Newman Center, Father Steven Mills, has been asked to reprise his college-days role as Herbie, the Nebraska Cornhuskers’ mascot. While he hopes he’ll still be available on Community Night, Father Mills said he was looking forward to putting on the suit again.

“Everyone knows the old, blonde Herbie in overalls was better, anyway,” he said.

With the new demands to the Newman Center priests’ schedule, a social media campaign for college students to choose an additional priest for the staff is being planned. Video submissions from interested priests may be posted on YouTube. Sales of the campaign’s promotional t-shirt will be held in the Newman lounge.

Msgr. Robert Tucker, rector of the Cathedral of the Risen Christ, has been appointed chaplain for the Tour de France.

“I just hope they can keep up with him,” said Father Michael Zimmer, in residence at the Cathedral.

Father James Meysenburg, chief administrative officer of Pius X High School in Lincoln, will be guest-starring on HGTV’s “Fixer Upper.”

Meysenburg said, "Our mission is to 'Restore All Things in Christ.' Nobody does restorations like Chip and Joanna Gaines - except Jesus. This will be a great Pius partnership."

Pius X High School will be in need of several new priests from the new class of ordinandi next year. Father Ryan Kaup, Father Benjamin Rynearson and Father Adam Sparling will join Matt Maher on tour after his concert in Wahoo this summer.

Speaking of Wahoo, pastor Father Joseph Faulkner requested a leave of absence to spend the next year at Bonacum House for retired priests.

“I love my people, and I’ve fully recovered from my open-heart surgery,” he assured the Register. “But I just want to spend more time with those guys. You wouldn’t believe the homily material I'm getting from their stories!”

Msgr. Joseph Nemec will accept an appointment as chaplain to the Kansas City Royals. Bookies across the country have already shut down bets for the team to win the title again this year.

“I hope Msgr. Nemec enjoys this. I was gonna take the job myself until I found out they don’t actually let the chaplain pitch," Bishop Conley said in frustration, standing on the pitcher's mound of a practice field. "So I’ll stick around to pitch for the Lincoln priests. Our retreat games aren’t far away, anyway.”

Retaining present appointments, Father Winter will attend all climate change summits. Father. Winter.

All appointments will take effect immediately, April 1, 2017 (April Fools' Day).

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