By Bob Sullivan
In the opinion piece I mentioned in Part 1 of this column Jan 17, Christine Emba wrote: “In my ideal, the mainstream could embrace a model that acknowledges male particularity and difference but doesn’t denigrate women to do so.”
Much of today’s discussions of masculinity seem to be forced into conflict with femininity. Earlier in her piece, Emba used several examples of very poor male behavior and held them out as popular examples of true masculinity. These examples do involve the denigration of women, which immediately disqualifies them as truly masculine.
The fact is, true masculinity honors women, but a distorted understanding of femininity is incapable of recognizing such honor. Additionally, if people insist on portraying extremes as though they are the norm, it is unlikely the truth will ever be found. Strawmen do not help find truth.
In other words, true masculinity meshes perfectly with true femininity, but because of the distortion of the two and the reluctance to deal with reality, efforts to live out masculinity and femininity will often continue to be like two ships crashing in the night.
In reality, true masculinity and true femininity are identifiable and actually prevalent in society. These are not antiquated, they do not denigrate women, and there really isn’t anything to diagnose.
Masculinity and femininity are simply the virtuous life. To be fair, Emba’s opinion piece did mention virtue several times, but not as a goal or a solution to the problem. Instead, when she and her sources mentioned “virtue,” it was more like a bad word, something to be whispered and then discarded or a vague reference to virtue without any elaboration. Possibly this is because they overlooked its importance or failed to consider what virtue actually is.
However, virtues did show up many times in the opinion piece. Emba noted things such as strength, self-mastery, protecting, providing, and parenting as a father. She also mentioned many vices which are the antithesis of virtue: video gaming, porn use, living with parents into adulthood, fear of asking women out for a date, denigrating women, etc.
Where Emba and her sources faltered is in failing to recognize that there is much more out there than the “social construct” which develops when most people think and act the same way for a necessary period of time. While social constructs are real, true femininity and true masculinity are not social constructs. It is the distortion of these things which is the social construct.
The reality is that God created us as we are. God does not change, therefore, the image and likeness of each of us remains the same as well. Blessed Carlo Acutis, who will be canonized later this year, wrote – possibly paraphrasing Edward Young – about the distortion we suffer when we turn away from God and deny how He created us: “All people are born as originals, but many die as photocopies.”
The fact is, striving for virtue in our lives helps us live as men or women, masculine or feminine. When a man is living his vocation as a protector, a provider, a husband, and a father, he is living with virtue and he is living masculinity. To the extent he falls short of virtue, he falls short of true masculinity.
The same goes for women. One cannot honestly argue that women are not created to bear and nurture life, to share their life with their children, and to be the glue which holds the family together. These facts are written in their DNA. To the extent a woman lives her life consistently with these basic realities, she’s living virtuously and living true femininity.
Our culture has taught our children that they can have it all and be anything they want to be. In reality, we can only be happy when we are who God created us to be. Therefore, when Emba wrote that it was as if young men did not know how to be, she was absolutely right. First, we have to “be.” It isn’t about what we have or what we don’t have. First and foremost, men need to “be” sons of the Father. Women need to be daughters of the Father. What does this look like?
First, it looks like humility. Instead of acting like we can simply change reality because we decided it is a “social construct,” we need to accept the fact that reality exists, even if we would prefer things were different.
It is essential to recognize that there is a higher power, and that power is God, not the collective beliefs and behaviors of the majority of people. No one can be happy by thinking he or she is a god. Such a delusion will always end very badly.
Secondly, it looks kind of boring to some people, especially those of us who are used to seeing and hearing things which shock the senses. Think of entertainment today, much of which would have been unthinkable pornography and unacceptable behavior a generation ago.
Finally, it looks like brotherhood, also known as true friendship. As I wrote earlier, Satan fights to isolate us, so a quick defense is to band together. But we can’t just band together with just anyone. Our brothers need to also be in pursuit of virtue. We need to have virtuous mentors, our friends need to be striving to live lives of virtue, and we need to be there for other men who wish to grow in virtue as well.
There was some truth in Emba’s opinion piece. I simply wish there was more of it. If more Catholics and Christians help people like Emba and her sources open their hearts to the truth of Christ, we may end up rebuilding society without trying to create some sort of alternative reality as though it was a social construct or a “new masculinity.” Trying to create a “new masculinity” would be a disaster.
