By Bob Sullivan
I recently read an excellent article by Nathan Kreider on The Catholic Exchange. The article was geared toward unmarried men, but the advice is just as good for married men (and women too). The article proposed that there is a difference between being married and being a husband.
The word “married” identifies the status or the arrangement. It is what the man’s status is. In the judicial system, it is like a contract with a built-in termination clause.
The word “husband” is deeper. It tells you who you are. This is one of the reasons the Church includes it as a sacrament.
The word husband, which originated in the Old Norse language, means “master of the house.” However, the concept is much older than the Old Norse language. There are good examples and bad examples of being a master, whether it is literally a household, or a workplace, kingdom, or nation. Some “masters” who have shown us very poor examples include King Saul, Henry VIII, Joseph Stalin, Jean Vanier, Bernie Madoff, Warren Jeffs, Robert Morris, every abusive father who has ever lived, and many more. Such “masters” demonstrate what failed leadership looks like. A man, by way of force or manipulation, can seem like an effective master of whatever he is given, but he can only be a true master by sacrifice.
In his article, Kreider has great advice for women: “Women, do not merely look for a man who wants a wife. Look for a man who wants to be your husband.”
A husband is called to be truly sacrificial for the good of the others in his home. All married men have seemingly benign habits of self-indulgence obtained at the expense of the others in his home. This might take thousands of different forms. Maybe he is impatient with his wife or child over a minor matter that happens to be one of his pet peeves. The cold or abrupt reaction he demonstrates is a failure to make a small sacrifice for the good of his loved one. He speaks or acts in a way which makes his loved one feel embarrassed, or which may even crush her spirit. He feels better after having vented, instead of demonstrating a calm and peaceful reaction, or looking for the humor in the situation and learning to let small things go. Unfortunately, he is the only one who feels better, and it is a passing feeling often replaced by his own regret, remorse, and shame. This can develop into a vicious cycle.
The reality is, a man must practice self-mastery even before he is the head of a household. And since all married men (including those who excel at being “husbands”) struggle to exercise self-control in many areas on a daily basis, already-married men need to perpetually work on those areas on a daily basis until they regain self-control over each one. Tomorrow always presents a new battle on this front.
In his article, Kreider has great advice for women: “Women, do not merely look for a man who wants a wife. Look for a man who wants to be your husband.”
A man who simply wants to be married will often be much more focused on the “good times” and will be nearly oblivious to the fact that there will be “bad times” in every marriage. They think only of the “better” and avoid considering the “worse.” They are very happy with your “good health,” but they might run for the door when you are “sick.”
As men, we need to be like the husband who cares for his wife when she is diagnosed with a terminal illness. We all know guys who have done this heroically. We need to be the husband who supports her when she struggles with anxiety, depression or other mental illnesses.
In times of health, financial stability, and other good things, a married can coast right along. In the other times, whether they are seriously bad or just unpleasant or annoying times, a married man falls into a self-absorbed crisis mode, while a husband is willing to maintain control, provide strength and peace, and see to the good of the other by willingly sacrificing his own preferences and desires. He gives of himself, and in doing so, finds the best version of himself, the man God created him to be.
How does one begin to grow into being a husband instead of simply being a married man? As Kreider suggests in his article, we all look to Christ. The chronically misunderstood passage in Ephesians is the best explanation in all of history: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5:25-27
And a very important verse which is well-understood but underappreciated: “But God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
We all know men who have demonstrated what it is to be a husband instead of simply being a married man (and women have also shown this love). We look to people like this because they have demonstrated what Paul explained in Ephesians 5. As a husband (current or future), I do not love my wife because she loves me or does anything good for me (which she does). I love her first, in spite of the reality of the human condition, with all of its flaws and faults. This is the truth before marriage, as well as throughout marriage.
Be that guy and at least one half of all the world’s problems are fixed in an instant. Crime rates will plummet, juvenile delinquency will almost disappear, and the birds will sing louder each morning.
