by Dr. Peter Martin, PsyD
Forgiveness myths abound. Some of these misunderstandings can be sourced to our family of origin. For example, perhaps an exasperated parent, after hearing a complaint about our sibling for the 77th time, abruptly told us to just “forgive and forget.”
Additional confusion about forgiveness can originate from the numerous essays and books that unfortunately fall short of clear guidance on the subject. These writings may offer ambiguous or confusing definitions of this essential concept in the Christian life. They may also provide inaccurate recommendations, for instance, that all that is required to forgive is to accept another’s apology or that one must simply “move on” from the offense. These articulations, while well-intentioned, unfortunately muddy the waters and can diminish the truly transformative power of authentic forgiveness.
Interpreting the previous challenges as a clarion call for clarity, I hope to engage in some good old-fashioned myth-busting in order to open up valuable space in hurting hearts for genuine forgiveness to develop. Nature abhors a void, and if the choice to forgive does not soon follow a received injustice, something much more morally unappealing often takes its place.
If one elects not to forgive an offender, this choice and related future decisions can shape the injured party’s heart and render it more rigid and inflexible, more like stone. It consequently impedes the person’s reception of God’s ever-present mercy. Operating like an interior dam, unforgiveness obstructs the life-giving flow of God’s grace, because it blocks the “mercy-sized hole” in one’s heart. An inaccurate understanding of forgiveness adds other impediments.
Forgiveness is a performing art, not a passive surrendering of anger. It is not a choice of the weak, but rather demonstrates features of the unwavering strength of the all-powerful Lord. As the Catechism eloquently states: “God reveals his fatherly omnipotence by the way he takes care of our needs; by the filial adoption that he gives us... finally by his infinite mercy, for he displays his power at its height by freely forgiving sins” (CCC § 270, emphasis added).
When God forgives, his omnipotence at its strongest is on full display. Our forgiveness of others also communicates strength. There are few things as powerfully internally moving as when Pope St. John Paul II forgave the man who attempted his assassination, or the Amish community in Nickel Mines, Penn. that collectively forgave the man who mass murdered their children, or ultimately the Lord’s salvific and redeeming act on the Cross.
Furthermore, forgiveness is not a senseless option chosen by the foolish individual. Rather, it provides a glimpse of the infinite wisdom of our eternally omniscient God who made it a central focus of his loving mission.
Forgiveness is not an eye-for-an-eye reaction to injustice, or an unhealthy defense mechanism (e.g., denial), or a maladaptive coping strategy (e.g., avoidance), or a type of fight-flight-freeze-faint survival strategy. It flows not out of insecurity—indeed research indicates that compared with securely attached persons, the insecure may struggle more to forgive—but is a healthy and loving choice of a rational person that embodies and communicates the agapic love of the Divine. As hope is a healthy and secure approach to the future, forgiveness is a healthy and secure approach to the past. Disposing oneself to forgive future offenders prepares the way to a brighter, more peaceful future. Rather than turning against or turning away from the offender, the Lord paradoxically invites us to turn toward and give the person an unmerited gift of love, namely, forgiveness.
In their book, “Forgiveness Therapy,” Drs. Robert Enright and Richard Fitzgibbons provide some helpful philosophical distinctions on what forgiveness is not and divide the discussion into three parts: (1) Distinctions made primarily in philosophy—12 examples; (2) Accurate, though incomplete views of forgiveness—five examples; and (3) Common colloquialisms that distort forgiveness’s meaning—six examples. Space limitations prohibit a review of all 23 examples, so the next section will focus on a select few of their key distinctions.
What forgiveness is not
Forgetting – A personal favorite! The phrase “forgive and forget” feels on the surface like a binomial expression that naturally rolls off the tongue like “salt and pepper” or “husband and wife” or “plain and simple.” Thankfully, forgiveness and forgetting are not a package deal. Individuals with trauma histories are not asked the impossible: To forget the person or the agonizing event etched in their memory.
Forgiveness does not mysteriously activate a type of amnesia of historical experience, and neither does our all-knowing God’s forgiveness lead him to literally forget events in our lives. However, though not actually changing the past, forgiveness can transform our memories of the past to be more grace-filled, more balanced and peaceful.
Condoning – A person who condones may put up with a moral infraction of another because of circumstantial pressure. For instance, Steve may despise his immediate supervisor but tolerates him in order to receive a steady monthly paycheck. Forgiveness pursues the reduction of anger and resentment, while condoning does not require this.
Justification – If what was thought to be an injustice later is discerned by the injured party to be actually fair, the situation does not warrant forgiveness. Forgiveness is a viable option to address an actual injustice committed against you. If there’s no offense, but the experience still pains you, a more fitting option could be acceptance or self-compassion.
Reconciliation – This is a term commonly, though inaccurately, equated with forgiveness. Reconciliation requires forgiveness, but forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Reconciliation is “forgiveness plus.” Forgiveness is one person’s moral choice to abandon resentment and decide to have more benevolent attitudes toward an offender. Reconciliation is more of a negotiation strategy between two or more people in order to nurture mutual trust.
Moreover, forgiveness is a biblical mandate for anyone who has been unfairly treated by another, whereas reconciliation is not a requirement for all injustices. One is obligated to forgive an offender, but reconciliation with this person could be a terrible idea at this time and possibly leave the offended party open and vulnerable to more foreseeable harm.
For instance, if a friend was physically and/or verbally abusive and remains unrepentant, forgiveness is a good and required option, but re-establishing the same level of connection as previous seems currently unwarranted. The degree to which the friend becomes contrite and changes for the better can provide the offended party a guidepost for the level of reconciliation that is indicated, if at all, at this time.
However, even if reconciliation is contraindicated, rugged and persistent unforgiveness continually ruptures one’s relationship with God, others, and self. The reconciliation journey can be complicated, and a trusted mentor can reliably impart the important gifts of accompaniment and counsel to assist you.
The well-known Protestant theologian Karl Barth once advised young theologians to “take your Bible and take your newspaper, and read both. But interpret newspapers from your Bible.” One should, he suggested, read the ever-changing current events through the lens of the enduring truths found in scripture. Similarly, it is suggested here that a healthy reconciliation process ideally includes a book on forgiveness and reconciliation in one hand and a book on secure boundaries in the other. These boundaries can be measured and interpreted through the lens of reconciliation efforts so that the individual does not implement unfair or harsh boundaries out of spite or revenge. Again, “four eyes are better than two” and seeking counsel from a mentor during this process is invaluable.
To close, what an amazing gift our freedom is! Our choice to forgive allows Jesus to more fully reign as the unfettered Prince of Peace in our hearts. With the above myths of forgiveness placed aside, and our capacity to forgive more like his, may Christ’s merciful love and wisdom increasingly transform us and all of our natural and supernatural relationships from the inside out.
Dr. Peter Martin is Internship Director of Integrated Training and Formation at the Immaculate Heart of Mary Counseling Center of CSS in Lincoln. See his companion discussion on “What Must I Do to Forgive?” in the Sept. 23 “Ask the Register.”
