Q. I feel like I have forgiven someone who has hurt me, but I’m still so angry about it. Does that mean I haven’t forgiven them? How do I know if I have?
A. Forgiveness can be one of the hardest things we have to do as human beings. It often involves intimate and tender parts of our hearts, and difficult periods of our lives. It’s important to reverence that and know that God does, too. He sees when we are hurting. He sees when people take things from us and trespass against us. God sees. He cares and He is sorry that others have hurt us.
It is from this place of compassion that Jesus gives us the command that we must forgive “seventy times seven” times (cf. Mt 18:21-35). He calls us to forgive continually and untiringly, not because he has no concern for our pain, but quite the contrary: He desires us to live so fully in His love and freedom that he calls us to forgive over and over again, so our hearts may be open to His love without walls or barriers. As Jesus teaches us in the Our Father, we are only forgiven as we forgive. This mercy is conditional upon our own bestowing of mercy, because if we hold on to resentments, God’s love cannot penetrate our hearts. We construct a self-made prison of high-walled rancor.
With that background in mind, we can take up the question, what happens when I have forgiven someone, but there are still negative feelings attached to the person or situation? Did I really forgive in the first place? It is helpful to remember that forgiveness is first and foremost an act of the will. It is a decision to acknowledge the hurt that someone has caused us and say, “I forgive this person. They took something from me, but I forgive that debt. I no longer hold it against them.” This is something that we choose to do – to look upon the person with compassion and, instead of demanding recompense or seeking vengeance, we mercifully free them. This in turn frees us from the bondage of unforgiveness. If we are able to make this choice, we are on the road to freedom!
This act of the will is primary, but the question still remains: will the ill feelings ever go away? Sometimes we are miraculously freed from negative feelings the moment we decide to forgive (and praise the Lord!), but often it is a process. We forgive in the moment, but there may still be more healing that needs to take place.
It is helpful to see there is a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is when the debt is pardoned and reconciliation is when the relationship is restored. We should seek this reconciliation whenever possible, especially when it involves those close to us (i.e., in a marriage, in the workplace, etc.). Yet, we also have to recognize that reconciliation between us and our offender may not be possible. The person may be deceased, or we may not even know who they are. And yet, reconciliation between us and God is always possible, as well as reconciliation between us and our heart.
Forgiving others and turning to God in our pain help us to come into right relationship with Him. We bring these negative feelings to God honestly, holding nothing back. He can handle it all – the good, the bad and the ugly. If we continue to turn to God, beg the Holy Spirit to enlighten our minds with the gift of Wisdom to see things as He does, and receive His overflowing grace, eventually we will be able to live in peace no matter what has happened to us. It may be too much for us, but there is nothing too big for God.
A great resource on forgiveness, including how to pray through these situations, is the talk by Sister Miriam James Heidland, SOLT and Father John Burns: “Seeking Healing Through Forgiveness” from SEEK2019 on YouTube.
This question was answered by Fr. Ryan Kaup, pastor of St. Benedict Parish in Nebraska City. Write to Ask the Register using our online form, or write to 3700 Sheridan Blvd., Suite 10, Lincoln NE 68506-6100. All questions are subject to editing. Editors decide which questions to publish. Personal questions cannot be answered. People with such questions are urged to take them to their nearest Catholic priest.
