Lecture: Thomas Aquinas on friendship, marriage, children
“Marriage is a shared pilgrimage to life with God in heaven.”
By Fr. Gary Coulter
for the Register
Should one marry one’s best friend? St. Thomas Aquinas says yes: “There seems to be the greatest friendship between husband and wife, for they are united ... in the partnership of the whole range of domestic activity.”
More than 60 students attended a lecture Oct. 1 in Lincoln by Dr. Nathaniel Peters, director of The Morningside Institute. It was entitled, “How to Marry Your Best Friend: Thomas Aquinas on Friendship, Marriage, and Children.” The talk was hosted on the University of Nebraska–Lincoln campus, by the UNL chapter of the Thomistic Institute.
Drawing on Aristotle and Aquinas, Dr. Peters said friendship is a good everyone pursues for a happy life. True friendship is not merely a means to wealth or power, pleasure or usefulness. It is a sharing in the life of another person: two people share their excellence and love what is good in each other.
A virtuous person delights in friendship because friends help each other grow in virtue, and a friend serves as a mirror in which one can judge oneself. For Aquinas, friendship is greater than an individual’s virtuous habit, because it requires two acts of mutual love to come together.
In friendship, two people are united in doing good for each other, and active communication leads to agreement of mind and heart. True friendship is an exchange of love that requires reciprocity and a shared life.
Aquinas therefore concluded that the relationship between husband and wife is founded on the greatest friendship. Spouses perceive, delight in and enjoy the good in each other. They have good will (attraction), perform deeds of beneficence and share mind and heart. They build and share a life together.
Spouses and children also help one another become more virtuous, revealing how self-centered a person really is. Family life trains a person to focus on the good of others, which is why it is a path to virtue and sanctity.
For Aquinas, marriage is a sacrament conformed to the charity by which Christ suffered for the Church. Spouses lay down their lives for each other as Christ did on the cross, and their total self-gift is an image of His self-gift for the Church, His spouse.
The sacrament of matrimony conforms spouses to Christ so they can love as He loved and receive His love through each other. Marriage is an icon of God’s love and a means of experiencing it.
When lived well, marriage teaches spouses to put the needs of others before their own. In this way they take up their crosses and follow Christ on the self-giving way of love.
“Marriage is a shared pilgrimage to life with God in heaven,” Dr. Peters said.
So how does one marry one’s best friend? Dr. Peters offered advice to the students:
- If you find someone attractive, ask them out (advice especially for men).
- As you get to know the person, think about sharing a life with him or her. Are you physically attracted? Do you share beliefs? Can you rest at peace with each other and be yourself? Ultimately, can this person help you love God and get to heaven?
- Bond through good conversations, shared activities, group activities, and meeting each other’s family and friends.
- Read the lives of married saints and observe couples you admire to learn what heroic virtue looks like.
- Women should begin monitoring their fertility to understand their bodies and health.
- Make chastity a priority in your life and relationships. We are actually freer when we can appreciate beauty without trying to grasp or possess it.
- Begin addressing the wounds, sins and regrets of your past now, especially through confession and counseling, so you can make a fuller gift of self and begin again in marriage.
“Keep your life founded on Christ,” Dr. Peters concluded.
SNR photos | Natalie Bender
The Morningside Institute is an independent foundation that brings scholars and students together to examine human life through the liberal arts.
The Thomistic Institute chapter at UNL is a student-led academic group dedicated to helping students grow in the thought of St. Thomas Aquinas. To receive news about upcoming events, email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
